Spaces in Between
by Kanon Anderson
Summary: “If it’d been you, would you have forgotten me?” The question had been on his mind since her return. Sequel to The Ghost of You.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Here is the long requested sequal to "The Ghost of You". Hope you like this just as much! Not sure where it's headed...have to see where it leads me :) Let me know what 'ya think...

A cool breeze blew through the warm apartment, rustling the sheer curtains by the window. He stirred in bed and opened his eyes; the clock flashed three a.m. He didn't know what had woken him up; the apartment was silent, save for the hocking of horns and the general sound of traffic that served as the white noise of the city. Turning to his side, he saw she was missing; the smell of magnolias lingering on the sheets where she had laid.

He climbed out of bed, grimacing at how the sheets stuck to his skin. He quietly padded down the hall, looking from room to room until he had found her. She wascurled upina chair in the living room, her eyes focused out the window. "Hey," he said softly, "Missed you."

"Couldn't sleep," she said, her eyes not moving from the spot they were focused on. He nodded, walking over to her, but not touching her.

It'd been a month since she came back; two weeks since she had moved back in with him and three days since she had finally felt comfortable enough to kiss him. He wondered if she had returned to his apartment because she didn't have anywhere else to live. "I miss the stars," she said softly, "In Maine, you could always see the stars."

"You ever think about going back?" He sat down across from her, his eyes searching her upturned face. He was still afraid sometimes to touch her; afraid he'd wake up and it would have all been a dream.

"Sometimes." She turned to face him but remained curled up in the chair. "I thought about never coming back."

He felt the breath catch in his throat; the blood drain from his face. "Why," he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. It was a future he had not considered since her return.

"I thought you might have moved on," she said, turning back to the window.

"Thought or hoped," he asked.

"I don't know," she said truthfully. Since coming back, she had promised herself she would never lie to him again. Lies were what had separated them as partners. Now as lovers, it was what had brought them back together; but they both knew that the truth would help them survive.

"You sure you're ready to start work tomorrow? We can push it back another week." The department had given her two weeks off to recuperate from her disapperance. She had asked Cragen to use some of the vacation time she had accrued from before her disappearance and had taken two more weeks. She and Elliot had used the time to get to know each other again; a year apart hadn't donesome damage to a relationship that had been building over eight years, but inits own way, it had turned them into strangers.

"I need to get out of here," she said. She saw the look on his face and gave him a sad smile. "I mean, I need to get everything out of my head. SVU is what I know. It's in my blood." He nodded and stood up, reaching for her hand. He didn't understand her determination to come back to work, but he supported her decision.

She took his hand and slowly rose, allowing him to lead her back to bed, another breeze blowing through the apartment. He stroked her arm gently as they lay in the quiet silence of the apartment, the street lights casting shadows across the room. "If it'd been me, would you have forgotten me?" The question had been on his mind since her return.He didn't know what she would've done, if she had been in his position.Would've she been mad like he had been? Would she have lived with the ghost of him? He prayed for her sanity that she wouldn't ever have to go through that. Living with the "what ifs" and "could've beens" had proved that there were things worse then death.

"Did you begin to forget me?"

"I began to forget the way you smelled after getting out of the shower and how you'd look after running in the rain, but I never forgot you. I remembered your smile and I remembered the way you kissed."

"Why did you hold on so long?"

"Because there are some things that are stronger than death."

"I began to forget theshade of your eyesand the way you looked while you were asleep. It made me realize that I never really paid attention to that. I tried once to find a shirt in the shade of your eyes, but I couldn't match it right." He hugged her closer, pressing a kiss to her hair.It helped to know there were some things she couldn't remember either. At one point, he wondered if he hadn't paid attention to the important detaisl, but when he saw the look in her eyes the first she had come back, he knew he hadn't. "But, there were things I couldn't forget."

"Like what," he asked, hearing the sleep creep into her voice.

"Like the way you knew what I need to hear and the way your arms felt around me when I'd had a bad day." He smiled and closed his eyes, feeling her breathing even out. She might have forgotten details, but she hadn't forgotten him and in the end, that's what was important to him.


	2. Chapter 2

They sat at their respective desks, working on paperwork. Olivia's first day back hadn't been easy. As soon as they had arrived, they were sent to a scene to investigate the rape and death of a fifteen year-old. Much to Elliot's surprise, Olivia had thrown herself into the investigation, asking questions, taking notes and examining the crime scene. For a minute, it seemed as though she hadn't been gone a year.

Now, they sat at their desks, making calls and mentally working through the case. A glance at the clock showed that it was nearly eight. "Let's get dinner," Elliot said, standing up and shrugging on his jacket.

Olivia nodded and did the same, following him out of the station. "You doin' okay," he asked, drawing an arm around her waist as they walked.

"Yeah," she said, "I missed this."

"Me too," he said. He knew she was talking about the job. She knew he was talking about them.

"El, I was thinking," she said as they sat down.

"About what," he asked, glancing up over the menu. She chewed on her lip and her eyes were cast downward. He wondered what had happened to bring that on. Before she had left, she had always been sure of herself, never nervous to talk about something bothering her.

"Maybe I should get my own place." He froze and his eyes looked up, trying to meet hers.

"Why," he asked, his voice cracking, "Are you uncomfortable? Is this going too fast?" He felt his heart breaking slowly, but surely.

"No," she said quickly, "I just…I need space to figure some things out."

"You don't have to move out to have some space," he said softly.

"Elliot, please. You haven't done anything to cause this. Right now, it's just about me," she said.

"Liv, I love you. I want to be there to help you through whatever it is that's bothering you. But, if moving out is what you need, then I support you," he said. Even though he said the words, he could feel himself falling apart on the inside.

"Thank you," she said softly. He nodded, numbly ordering something for lunch. He didn't know what he had ordered; he had lost his appetite for food.

They arrived home late that night, having left the station together. They ordered Chinese and sat on the couch, watching a movie, Olivia curled up in his arms as she ate the noodles out of the container. For a moment, Elliot was able to close his eyes and imagine she hadn't asked what she had that afternoon. He kissed her hair gently, resting his cheek against her hair, breathing in her scent. "Ready for bed," he finally asked, feeling her body slowly relax.

"Yeah," she said.

"I'll sleep in here. You can have the couch," he said, helping her up.

"I want you to hold me. Tonight," she said, chewing on her lip again.

"Olivia, I need to understand," he said.

"Understand what," she asked, cocking her head.

"You want me to hold you while you sleep and when you and I are watching t.v and yet, you just told me this afternoon that you want your own place. I just don't understand why you want to be near me, but away at the same time," he said, crossing his arms over his chest. He was afraid that if he had his arms by his side, he would want to hug her and then everything would be right back to where it was before the conversation had began. "Help me understand. Please. What happened, Liv?" She heard the pleading in his voice and looked up to meet his eye.

"I don't know," she said softly. "I want you in my life. I promised myself that when I came back. I just…everything seems to be happening so fast. It's too much for me." He watched as she crossed her arms and began to pace the apartment slowly.

"If you want to slow down, we can," he said, "It's just, you have to understand it from my point of view. I don't want to lose you, but God help me, I can't have you in my life and know that you're not happy too."

"I am happy," she insisted. "Why do you want to talk so badly?"

"Because I want to know what you're thinking," he said, "I want to know why all of sudden you're not confident in yourself. I want…I just want to hear your voice because I've missed it. I've missed you." He fought to keep his voice from breaking from all of the emotions that were rolling through him.

"I've been right here," she said, looking up to meet his eyes.

"No you haven't," he said, shaking his head.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I had to chose some path for this story to follow...Anyways, review and let me know what you think. And yes, the sadness continues.

"I made an appointment with an apartment locator for Saturday. I thought that if you were available, you might come and look with us." He looked up from the newspaper across to the table to Olivia, his eyes locking with hers. Even though his face was calm, he was a rolling sea of emotions on the inside. His heart was slamming in his chest. His blood pressure had risen with those words. A part of him had hoped she'd forget about it. The other part of him knew she wouldn't.

"What time," he asked, folding the newspaper and setting it aside.

"Nine," she said. "I'm meetingher on West 90th and Broadway."

"We can leave from here together," he said. It still tore at him that she wanted out. Out of his apartment. Out of a part of his life.

"Thank you," she said softly. He nodded and set the paper aside.

"Have you thought about seeing Huang," he asked. She hadn't seen the psychiatrist since her return; hadn't spoken to anyone about what had happened.

"No," she said. She knew he would bring it up. Knew he wanted her to talk, but she couldn't. She didn't know where to begin.

"Liv, you've got to talk to someone. Whatever it is that happened is eating you up inside," he said softly. "I'll understand if you want to talk to someone else. Casey. Cragen. Huang. It doesn't matter. I just want to you help you get back to yourself."

"We do talk," she said, trying to shrug him off.

"Yes, but you have yet to say anything," he said. "Liv, since you've been back, it's like I've been living with a ghost of you. You're hear, but you're not. I miss you. I miss your sarcasm and your humor. I miss the way we would talk when we'd gone to bed, how I'd help you or you'd help me after a nightmare. I miss what made us….us." She nodded, looking down at her hands. The truth was that she missed the too and she wasn't sure why she wasn't able to talk to him. She heard him take a deep breath and looked up, her eyes locking with his.

"Did someone hurt you? Did they…" He couldn't find the words to say and he prayed to God that if she had been raped that night that she would be comfortable enough to tell him. But, he couldn't help but wonder. Couldn't but wonder why she was so quiet and withdrawn. Why she didn't sleep at night. Why they hadn't made love since her return.

"No Elliot. Nothing like that," she said, her voice firm for the first time in awhile."Thank God," he said, letting out a breath of relief.

"Would it have made a difference? If I had been…" She couldn't even bring herself to say the word. It was a word they used everyday. It was common vernacular in their position. But when it came to one of them, it had a whole new meaning.

"No. Never. I thought you knew that." He saw a look pass over her face and frowned inwardly.

"Just…needed to hear it." She reached across the table, her palm face up. He reached over and intertwined their fingers, their palms pressed together.

"You never needed to before."

"That was before things changed."

"What's changed?"

"Everything…nothing." She shrugged and pulled her hand away before getting up to put her dishes in the sink and get a shower.

Frustrated, he ran his hands through his hair. He had cursed everyday of his life that she had been gone. He had promised himself that if he ever saw her again, he would do everything in his power to make things work; to spend the rest of his life trying to make her as happy as she made him.

He walked into the bedroom a few minutes later and saw her brushing her hair out. He put his arms around her waist and kissed her neck, inhaling her clean scent. "I love you," he whispered against her skin.

"I love you too," she said, leaning her head against his. "Thank you for understanding."

"Never thought of having it any other way," he said, pressing a kiss to her temple. He looked at their image in the mirror and watched as she lifted her hand and placed it over his so they intermeshed over the soft skin of her abdomen. He saw her eyes mist over as her face darkened. She knew the moment he knew; realized what he had been missing along.

"I'm sorry," she whispered softly. She closed her eyes as she felt him pull away and fell to her knees as she heard the door shut when he left.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Sorry it's taken so long...battery wouldn't work on my computer. Anyways, here's the new chapter! Let me know what you think.

He sat on a park bench, his head in his hands. The evening was warm, a cool breeze rustling through the trees, spraying the sweet smell of flowers through the air. The sounds of the city, the sweet smell of summer...nothing registered with him. He closed his eyes and tried to think of anything but the look he had seen on her face before he walked out the door.

They had been careful, using birth control and condoms most times. They had both wanted a child, but knew the time wasn't right. In truth, time had only been an excuse. He thought back to the time he thought she was dead and remembered howhe would have given anything to have something to remind him that their time together had been real; that he hadn't just dreamed of it.

He had left the apartment that afternoon without waiting for an excuse or an explanation from her. She had known and never told him. That angered him. Oneyear and shehad known. Never told him and he wouldn't have known hadit not been for the saddness that he saw in her eyes. A saddness only hewould notice. To her, it was the saddness of an incomplete life.

He wondered what their child would look like. Boy, girl…that didn't matter to him. Ten fingers, ten toes…that's what mattered. He pushed himself off the bench and walked around the city. He'd need more than fresh air to clear his head tonight.

She heard the door open at a quarter to midnight, but didn't move to let him know she was awake. She listened quietly as he slipped his shoes off and walked into the kitchen. A minute later, she heard the pop of the lid coming off of a beer. She heard his footsteps come near her, then stop, followed by the soft sound of air being let out of a cushion. She could feel his eyes on her.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," she finally said. Her words were soft, barely above a whisper. He would have missed them if he hadn't been listening so hard for them.

"It's a little late for that," he said. His words came out hard and angry. At that moment, he didn't regret it.

"It wasn't my choice," she said, pushing herself up. Tears stung her eyes as she fought for control.

"Doesn't change the fact," he said, taking a swig of his beer. "It was my child too, Olivia. I had a right to know."

"I know," she said, looking down at her hands, "I'm sorry." She couldn't bear to meet his eyes, to see the same pain she felt reflected in his eyes. They were both supposed to be strong. But now, they were both weak from fighting with each other; against each other.

"You know, I'm tired of hearing those words from you. If you're so sorry, then do something to help fix it." He slammed the beer on the table, liquid coming out of the top and spilling onto the table, but neither of them noticed.

"What do you want me to do? I lost our child," Olivia said, standing up. Tears streaked her face and she shouted with emotion. "For a year, I had to live with the fact that I had lost our child and I couldn't tell you, so how about letting up on the anger just a bit!"

He bit back his retort and watched as she paced back and forth in the living room. "I wanted that baby, Elliot. I wanted it more than anything. And when I found out that theminute that bastard pulled that trigger, our baby was as good as dead,it tore me apart. It hurt more than leaving you did because for three weeks, I had been a mother." He fell back down to the chair, feeling tears fall down his face. "I wanted to die because it had been our baby and I couldn't have you with me when I found out. I prayed for God to somehow give it or you back to me, but he couldn't." She fell to the floor on her knees, her eyes looking down at the floor. "I know you're angry. You had every right to know, but I couldn't say it. I couldn't make it real." She stopped, but not because she had nothing else to say, but because the gut wrenching sobs wouldn't let her say anything more.

The room filled with the sound tears and the echoes of rain hitting the windows. He quietly moved across the room and pulled her into his arms, rocking back and forth as tears fell from both their faces. "I wanted that baby," she said, pressing herself against him.

"I know," he said softly, "So did I." He pressed a kiss to her hair, rocking her back and forth as they both clung to whatremainsof a relationship they had left.

It was past midnight when they finally made it into bed, exhausted from the emotions that had been pouring out of both of them. She lay tightly wrapped in his arms, emotionally dead, but found herself unable to sleep. "What would you have wanted to name it," she asked in the darkness of the bedroom.

"I always liked Georgiana, if it was a girl. Alexander, if it was a boy," he said, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "You?"

"Emma Kateor Grant Alexander," she said softly. "El, I want to try again." She looked up, trying to meet his eyes, but felt her heart fall when he looked away.

"Your body needs time," he said. "I need time." His voice was so soft, she strained to hear it. She nodded, resting her head back on her chest. She'd had twelve months to cope with the pain. He hadn't even had twelve hours and the pain still clawed at his heart. "You have every right to hate me for what I said."

"I could never hate you." She pressed a kiss over his heart, hoping that somehow, that could heal apart of him, apart of them. "And you had every right to be mad at me."

"How long had you known?"

"Two days. I was going to tell you that night. I was almost one month along." He nodded, unable to say or do anything else. Tears welled up in his eyes as he thought about the child they would never have. The child they would never be able to hold.

"Kathy lost a child between Kathleen and the twins," he said. "She was almost three months pregnant when she miscarried." He closed his eyes as he remembered coming home and finding her crying, her clothes covered in blood.

"Did she ever get over the pain," Olivia asked softly.

"Eventually," he replied softly. Truth was, it was what had begun the unravelling of his previous marriage. Having the twins had been their last ditch attempt to remain a family. He prayed he and Olivia were strong enough to survive it. The truth was, he wasn't sure if either of them were.

"I don't think I ever will." They both fell silent as the sounds of the city enveloped them. Neither of them said another word for the rest of the night. Nothing else could be said; only understood.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Sorry it's been so long...been on vacation :). Anyways, here's another chapter...yes, another one, not the final one. There's still more to come. Just have to see where it leads. Thanks for all of the great reviews!

Saturday dawned bright and warm, the sun slowly rising over the tops of the buildings, casting long shadows over the streets below. People walked along the streets leisurely; the rushed pace of the week having faded for a couple of days.

He had been up since four. He had seen the sun rise and the city start to come alive on the beautiful day. Apart of him wished it rained. Because maybe then, he'd have another day to convince her to stay with him.

They'd hardly spoken since she had told him about the baby. He still held her while they slept, however rough and broken their dreams were. He knew that they were both the only things they had left to clutch on to. He just wished he could convince her of that.

Now, it was Saturday morning. In a couple of hours, they'd be meeting the apartment locater to find her a place to live. Not _with_ him. _Away_ from him. He had hoped that the next time they looked for a place to live, it would have been a house or an apartment, for their family. His and her. Together. That's what he had always thought would happen. He thought wrong.

Rustling in the back of the apartment caught his attention and he turned to see her walking out of the bedroom, hair tasseled and the pillow print pressed on her cheek. "Morning," she said, seeing him sitting by the window.

"Morning," he said. It wasn't good, but it was morning.

"Still up for going today," she asked, walking over to him. She saw the dark circles under his eyes and knew he hadn't slept well. Truth was, she hadn't either. She kept pretending that she couldn't feel his gaze on her while she slept; that she couldn't feel his arm tight around her waist, holding onto her like a lifeline.

"I said I'd be there," he said, looking up at her.

"You don't have to, if you don't want to," she said, chewing on her lip.

"I don't want to, but I'll be damned if you move into some place unsafe." He stood up, stunned by his harsh remark that early in the morning. The silence that ensued told him she was stunned too.

He walked out without another word and turned on the shower. It was her turn to sit and think.

The apartment was on the fifth floor of a building on West 85th street, facing Broadway. He took note of the security system and the subway station just outside her door. The apartment was about the size of her old one, but was newer, with better appliances. He checked all of the connections, asking every conceivable question. The locater stepped out when her phone rang, leaving Elliot and Olivia in the apartment.

"I like it here," she said, arms crossed as she paced the length of the living room.

"I'm glad," he said. "It's not bad."

"You sure there isn't something else you want to know? Maybe do a credit check on the landlord," she asked, leaning out the window to look down. She had meant it to be sarcastic. It came out as anything but.

"I just want to make sure you're safe," he said, crossing his arms across his chest.

"I can take care of myself."

"I've never doubted it."

"Why did you really come with me this morning?" She turned and faced him, her back to the wall. The sun from the window hit her face, the golden rays against her soft tanned skin. She had never looked more tragically beautiful.

"To help you find an apartment." He was lying. She knew it.

"No more lies," she said, "No more tearing each other apart. I'm tired of it. Why did you come?"

"Because I still love you and will do whatever it takes to make you happy," he said, "If you moving out makes you happy, then that's what will happen." The truthfulness in his voice hit her like a tidal wave; it'd been so long since she had heard such raw honesty from anyone.

"Why do you still love me? I lost our child and lied to you." It hurt her to see the pain in his eyes, knowing she had caused it.

"Doesn't mean there can't be others and God knows why I love you. If I could put it into words, it wouldn't really be love." He took a step forward, still keeping his distance but showing her he wasn't about to back down.

"I thought you said you weren't ready."

"I'm not," he said, "But it doesn't mean we can't try some day. It was my baby too. Losing it is killing me inside. I know it's killing you too." He saw her flinch and look down, avoiding his intense gaze. "No more lies, Liv. No more lies." His voice faded and when she looked back up, he saw the tears in her eyes. "Somehow, I've lost you and I need to find you so I can help find myself in all of this mess we've created- that's been created by others. If time is what you need, you have it. If space is what you need, we'll create it. Just don't ask me to let you go. I'm not strong enough and I can't."

"I'll still fight you," she said, "I can't let a year and half of my life slip away like that."

"I wouldn't expect anything less," he said, "I'm tired of standing still while the rest of the world moves on. I want to move on to. Not forget…just move on." She nodded and walked to him, putting her arms around him as they both cried.

They left the apartment building in each other's arms, heading back to his apartment- their apartment.


End file.
